lmao one of my white male coworkers just said “now i know what it feels like to be a girl” because apparently some girl likes him and he doesn’t feel the same lolololololol

some of my coworkers make me so happy to work here and others make me want to crawl into a dark cave and be eaten alive by a bear

last night i couldn’t go to sleep because every time i closed my eyes i thought about trader joe’s. which products i’ve tried. which products i want to try. stocking shelves. facing shelves. ringing up customers. unloading the truck. the past two weeks of my life i’ve dreamt of nothing but trader joe’s. even when i’m not at work i can’t stop thinking about work. what is this. what is happening to me. i’ve never had this problem with other jobs before. i’m going insane. i feel like spongebob in that episode where squidward tells him to empty his mind of anything that doesn’t involve fine dining. what is my name

goodnight i can’t stay awake anymore thinking about how i ate moldy bread 

i’m like 80% sure i accidentally ate moldy bread yesterday because i remember seeing this little black dot on the bread and i smelled it and it seemed fine and i was like hmm maybe it just got burned in the oven but today i went to go grab another piece of bread from that bag and the rest of the bread was covered in black dots the same size as the one from yesterday plus there was greenish/whitish mold on it as well so yeah cool i probably ate mold and that’s why i’ve felt sick all day

i remember the exact moment i realized i was emo. i was just starting 7th grade and i was in the girls locker room before gym when some girls asked me what my favorite movie was. i told them “the breakfast club” and they said “only emo kids like the breakfast club” and i remember staring in the mirror adjusting my unflattering gym uniform and seeing myself as others saw me for the first time. emo

kevin and i had a baby on tomodachi life and it’s great because i go out and hang out with my friends all day while he stays at home and makes distressed faces as it cries incessantly

sleeptalking kevin (again)
kevin:there's a goldendrool
me:a golden drool?
kevin:no
kevin:
kevin:there's a golden rule
me:what's the golden rule?
kevin:no slouching
me:
me:i'm sorry if i was slouching
kevin:*laughs*
kevin:just kidding
me:are you awake?
kevin:there's a golden rule

trader joe’s gives out free day old bread to the closing crew and every single time they do this i grab a soft pretzel stick. now i’ve eaten so many of these soft pretzel sticks that i think within a few weeks i might actually become a soft pretzel stick

sleeptalking kevin
kevin:you should go talk to people
me:what people? zach's friends?
kevin:no, you should go talk to people. get them off of the floor
me:okay
me:
me:are they bothering you?
kevin:WHAT?!? NO
kevin:
kevin:NO
kevin:nevermind, just... what? no, nevermind

i love it when people stay at the house while i’m gone and leave me this much of my own coffee when i get back :)

autosage:

things to say if someone asks why you are so quiet

  • "i don’t have much to say"
  • (shrug with a smile)
  • "i like listening"
  • (with clenched teeth) “there are wasps in my mouth”

(via battybatty)

1 note • 11:12 AM

hard girls & andrew jackson jihad @ el corazon in seattle

some guy got mad at me at the register today because he said i was asking him the same small talk questions that i asked the people before him so i was like “fine if you could see one band in concert whether or not they’re dead or alive or broken up or whatever who would it be” and before i even finished my sentence he said “jamiroquai” like he had really thought this one over and honestly idk what i was expecting but that wasn’t it